She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
You Might Also Like
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.