All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.