My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Get in loser we’re going crying
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot