Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.