Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
(2022)
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.