Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.