I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
This is me 🤣🤣
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
WTF