So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Practicing safe sax
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders