Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You Might Also Like
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?