“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
You Might Also Like
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine