[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“i miss shittin on people”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.