Every haunted house movie:
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Wednesday
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
me: my friends: