“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I鈥檓 the only one who can digest milk
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I鈥檒l have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke鈥檚 on him this year: I haven鈥檛 touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
You can’t make this shit up 馃槱
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: I鈥檓 gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I鈥檓 gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
cop: I鈥檓 giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine