I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.