OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Saw online –