What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy