Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low