DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Cinematography is my passion
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.