I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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Mornin
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Received some very disappointing news today
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.