Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I unironically love this joke.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please