“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…