Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too