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Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY