“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Ha.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…