Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me trying to “trust the process”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230