Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Finally!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine