Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
then why did i get this email
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months