Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Proctology is located in A55
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more