Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy