*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.