What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.