One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.