“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Put the is in disheveled
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
new record!
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”