My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?