My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
best first i’ve ever seen
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people