Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
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I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?