It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either