Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My work here is don’t.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder