My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Chicken bread
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!