“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You Might Also Like
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
i think my razor is having a panic attack
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
lol
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you