Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes