*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.