Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Great Canadian literature.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.