[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU