WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
wtf is an acronym
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.