I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too