Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Basketball
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
You have been warned.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”