To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.