My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”