peak technology
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
We’ve all been there
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Finally! 😈
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.